“Care-Less Living: Ain’t No Way!”

The world I grew up in highly valued RESPONSIBILITY. As a matter of fact the “responsible one” always won the prize. If you made your bed you were considered responsible. If you picked up your clothes your were responsible. If you did your chores you were responsible.

I knew responsibility was important by people’s reaction to my care-less living. One irresponsible act would draw corrective fire from multiple directions. The message was clear – be responsible to be accepted. So I did.

I became “super-responsible”. The reason for this was simple; it would win the approval of the adults around me. Being responsible meant being loved.

Then I met Jesus and he disrupted my idea of responsibility. As I read His words and learned to hear His voice I was shocked at his invitation to be “responsible for me.” This idea collided with the curriculum I had learned from childhood, namely BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF! I was confused.

The Christians around me added to my confusion. They lived very “responsible” lives. None of them slipped into “care-less living,” at least not in public.

So what was I to do? My Teacher, Jesus, invited me to a type of life I had never seen lived. Do you know what I mean? To allow Him to be responsible for me would take an entrepreneurial step of faith.

For the longest I was paralyzed by the inner conflict of these opposing ideas. Listen to my inner-dialogue.

Responsible Me: “You are suppose to be responsible and in charge of your life.”

Care-Less Me: “But what about when Jesus said, ‘His Father feeds birds and I am more valuable than birds.’ He wants to take care of me.”

Responsible Me: “That can’t be true. Everyone we know says YOU are responsible for you!”

Care-Less Me: “You are right but what am I to do with the words of Jesus?”

Responsible Me: “I don’t know. But care-less living is going to fail you I promise.”

Care-Less Me: “I know what you mean . . . but Jesus seems to be saying He wants to be responsible for me.”

Can you relate to this conversation? Can you feel the tension it created? I assume you are like me. You want to follow Jesus. Yet the way is not always clear. Sometime His words wage war on what you have been taught by your family and by your church.

And that’s OK. I will end today’s blog with some basic principals about care-less living.

Care-Less Living Principals
1. Being responsible means I am in control. Being in control means I must be god of my life. I am sure I don’t qualify for this. I am omni-deficient (I am not omnipotent, omnipresent, or omniscient).

2. My family and the church’s version of responsibility must be questioned if not rejected. I must ask Jesus to expose the lie and teach me the truth.

3. The idea of responsibility that was hammered into me has become a massive barrier to trusting and relying on my Savior. What I learned as “responsibility” was a sin. Let me explain. Paul says in Romans 14:23b “. . . that which is not of faith is sin.” In other words when I trust me and mistrust God it is sin. My version of being responsible was a form of self-trust therefore it was and is sin.

4. Responsibility shields me from the horror of total dependence on Jesus. Yes, I said “horror!” To trust Jesus means to mistrust me. And mistrusting me is terrifying, especially when I have been taught to be “god” of my life (responsible for ALL of my life.)

5. I do not have an experiential map for care-less living. This means I don’t know the way. But if Jesus is responsible for me He will show me the way.

6. Don’t expect others to understand and affirm you. Pursuing deep dependency on Jesus (care-less living) will have the opposite effect . . . you will offend and threaten them.

“Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.” Matthew 6:26 (The Message)

Betrayed: Walls

Walls. Sitting behind my walls I feel a kind of safe. Its not the a type of safe that is warm or nurturing like a hug or reassuring like the voice of one who wants me, nor is it secure like the closeness of a good friend. The reason for this is they are walls.

They are not made of flesh nor are they blessed with the breath of life. The walls cannot talk to me or share their life with me. So why do I feel so safe when I am surrounded by them? A story will help me explain.

She never knew love from the big ones around her. Continually she was pounded with their betrayal. She was too young to know it was not her fault. All her little mind could do was ask, “What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be good enough?” Of course these questions are formed from one too young, too innocent, and too small to know blame does not belong to her.

With each passing birthday she encounters other big ones who use her and betray her. Each time a big one wounds her soul her fragile heart shrinks. In a short time she has given up on the big ones. She no longer dreams of being loved by any of them.

Yet her heart cries out for something . . . for Someone. Finally she give up believing she can be loved . . . gives up the dream of “being wanted.” She turns away from others and to herself. She thinks, “The big ones will always hurt me. I will not trust them. I will not trust anyone ever again. I must protect myself from them, but how?”

Then the Dark One gives her an idea, “Build walls.” She liked the idea. Thick tall walls will not abandon you. They will not disappoint you. They won’t reject you. None of these things are possible because they have no heart. The Great One has not breathed the “breath of life” into them. And she is glad about that because she knows that the ones who carry the “breath of life” only hurt her. She decides to make the walls her friends because she has never known the place called “Safe.”

She gathers the biggest rocks she can carry. Her little mind wonders where she got the strength to carry huge rocks. She does not know that the Dark One is helping her in this work. He does not want her heart to be available to the Great One.

She place them one on top of the other until they reach the sky. With each rock placed on top of the other her hopes for safety grow. After several days work she sits alone behind her constructed rock four walls. A fortress made with her own hands will be her refuge.

For the first time she feels what she calls “safe.” Later she will learn it is not the safety the Great One intended for her to know, for he desires to offer her himself as her “Refuge”. But for now she is able to rest and relax a bit. The big ones could never get to her again. She quietsherself and goes to sleep.

The Great One is saddened because he designed her to live in rich interactive union with the big ones and the other little ones. She had no way of knowing the Great One’s intent. All she knows is she wants to stop the hurt from betrayal.

After the passing of much time she is awakened to call deep within her . . . a call to Someone she has never met. At first she ignores it but the call from the outside and inside persists like the waves of the ocean repeated touching the beach.

The call says, “I want you. I like you. You can be loved. You can be close and not feel betrayed.” She is shocked by the message and says out loud “NO that will never be true!” How could it be true? S he has never experienced anything but betrayal. Yet deep inside in a place that the Great One designed she begins to hope it is true.

She notices a growing discontentment with the safety of the walls after having received the call. Her mind often thinks about the possibility of being loved without betrayal. At first she easily dismissed the thought but as time passes the call births a longing in her. It is a longing placed in her by the Great One but it has been choked out by the continual experiences of betrayal.

An odd thing happens. The more she thinks about the call the more she believes. The more she believes the more her discontentment grows. One day she is hit with an idea that horrifies her, “I want out of the walls!”

The idea hit her with such force that she had to sit down because of the weakness in her body. She, as yet, did not understand that the Great One was calling her to an experience of love that could only be possible if there were no walls.

It took several days to recover from the thought of betraying her walls for the safety of another. How could she? It was just a crazy idea that only children believe. She did not know that the Great One loves the “little ones.”

She is unable to stop her mind from returning to the idea of life without walls. The thought resurrects a lost hope of being loved and loving. This idea grows and grows and grows until she is able to believe enough to act.

The day comes when the desire for love outweighs her desire to be safe. She must act. She must tear down the walls . . . but how? Over the years the rocks have merged into a solid unified structure that appears to be impenetrable.

She throws herself against the mighty wall and crumples under its strength. Again and again she pulls herself from the ground and blast the mighty wall with her body only to end up wounded and hurt on the ground.

She begins to lose hope that she can be free of the prison she has created. She cries out for help with a deep mournful cry . . . and is heard.

The Great One jumps for joy at the cry of the Betrayed one. He leaps, shouts, and dances because that which is lost is found and that which was dead is now alive. He runs to the fortified walls that separate Him from the one he loves and shouts like a mighty trumpet and the walls fall down all around the Betrayed one. She is free.
She is shocked at the sudden collapse of the walls. How did they fall without her doing anything? Then she sees Him, the Great One. Never has she seen such a look of love and compassion on the face of a big one. His arms are outstretched and He calls to her.

Before she can think she is on her feet running to Him. She knows He loves her and wants her. She collides into His massive presence and is enveloped in a love that she has never known . . . a love that never ends.

For the longest she weeps and laughs, drinking in his life like a thirsty deer does the brook of water. She feels something that is foreign to her . . . SAFE. Never has she knows such security and sanctuary. All of her person relaxes into everlasting arms of LOVE and CARE.

She has given up “walls” for a superior form of protection . . . union with the GREAT ONE!

How about you? Tired of your walls? The Great One is attentive to your cry for help. Cry out to Him now.

EXERCISE
1. What part of the story touched you . . . journal your experience.

2. What is it like to realize your walls are a barrier to Jesus and to others? Journal what you feel and think.

3. What is it like to consider that God "loves you, wants you, etc."?

4. How have you tried to break out of your walls? What does it feel like when you can't tear them down?

5. I would invite you to "cry out" to Him now from the depths of your heart (Ps. 30:2). Allow the desperate hunger for help . . . for Him to rush out.

6. Take time to slowly read Luke 15:20-24. Allow the Father, our Great One, to embrass and love you. Don't rush. Relax in His arms.

Betrayed

Betrayal. What an ugly word! By typing the word “betrayal” I have invited it before my mind. Instantly I wants to look away . . . to not attend to the unwanted guest. Betrayal’s presence hurts.

The word betrayal hurts because it represents my repeated experiences with betrayal. My life is riddled with varying intensities of betrayal.

These encounters hemorrhaged my heart and ruptured my relationships, leaving me in need of CPR. After a betrayal episode I could be in a Critical Care Unit for weeks, even months. Some have stayed in Critical Care Units for years.

How does betrayal double us over in gut-wrenching pain? What is its source of power? For instance, we know Spider Man got his super powers from a spider bite. What is the spider bite that empowers betrayal?

To answer this we must look at our design . . . at how God created us. Our original relationship DNA was void of betrayal. Adam and Eve lived in rich, safe union with God, so much so that they were “naked and unashamed” (Gen. 2:25). Simply put, they were not designed to experience betrayal.

To illustrate this think of decorating your home, you want to hang a beautiful picture of a landscape scene above your sofa. You have the nail but no hammer. So what do you do? Use the next best thing, a screwdriver. Now you can drive a nail into the wall with a screwdriver but that is not its original design. If you continue to use the screwdriver as a hammer it will fail you.

In the same way we were not designed for betrayal. Yes, we can betray and be betrayed but eventually it disfigures us. The disfiguring becomes a barrier to relationship fulfillment and satisfaction.

This is how it works. We must have closeness and intimacy to flourish. Betrayal enters the scene with such fury and force that we decide to cut ourselves off from others, including God.

Moving away from closeness and intimacy seems to be the answer at first. The walls we construct between ourselves and others allows us to relax and feel safe. Having spent butt-loads of energy building the walls we plop down exhausted but satisfied . . . at least for a time.

But after awhile our walls become a prison that keeps us from the life nourishing relationships we must have. We peer out the small peephole we created in our walls and dream of safe, satisfying relationships. Our heart aches as much from isolation as it did from betrayal.

Many of us spend our lives alternating between pursuing relationships that end in betrayal and hiding behind walls we construct that become our prison. In the next BLOG I will continue this theme and began to offer some direction for healing and growth. But for now I want you to do an exercise.

EXERCISE (allow 30 minutes for the exercise)
1. Get in a quiet place where you will not be disturbed.
2. Sit still in a relaxed position (be sure you have on comfortable clothes).
3. Close your eyes and breath in and out slowly 10 times.
4. When you inhale think “Lord, I breath in your life.” and when you exhale think “I breath out worry, stress, and distraction.”
5. When you are quiet on the inside invite the Holy Spirit to lead you . . . to guide you in this exercise.
6. Bring to your mind a memory of betrayal.
- see the one that betrayed you
- what do they look like?
- what did they do to betray you?
- what does the betrayal feel like as it embraces you?
- what are your thoughts about the betrayal?
- what do you want to do with the betrayal? the betrayer?
- keep yourself from turning away from the betrayal
7. Open your eyes and journal about your experience.
8. Put your journal and pen away, close your eyes, and ask the Holy Spirit to
quite you again.
9. Picture in you mind the walls you constructed to protect you from betrayal.
- what do they look like?
- put your hand on them . . . how they feel?
- what does it feel like sitting behind your walls?
- what thoughts do you have sitting behind your walls?
- now see your self going to one of the walls that has a peep-hole.
- look out the -peep-hole and see a person that you want to be with.
- feel the tension of being behind the wall and wanting to be with the person. –
- how does it feel? What thoughts do you have?
- what do you feel when you think about going outside of the walls?
- what do you feel when you think about staying behind the walls?
10. When you are ready turn to Jesus and say, “Lord, help me. Show me the
way. Speak to me.”