So That's Why I Feel So Emotionally Messed Up!

“Why am I so afraid?,” Sam said to his friend Tim. “It is like it came out of nowhere! I just walked into the home where I grew up and fear rolled over me like a massive wave. I was overwhelmed by it!” Sam’s experience has all the markings of a historical emotion. That is, an emotion that occurred in childhood and is re-experienced at a later point in life, often in adulthood. The historical emotion has been repeatedly experienced early in a person’s life, to the point that it takes up permanent residence in the fabric of the individual’s being. It lies dormant until a person experiences a constellation of events that reflect the earlier painful experience. At this point the emotion is reactivated and re-experienced, except at a later time. This can be confusing for the person if they try to understand the emotion from a “present” perspective only.

Allow me to illustrate. Stan hated his father’s domineering attitude. He constantly shamed Stan in public most of his life. Now at 25 years of age he believes he is free from these humiliating experiences with his dad until his boss “blows up” on him one day at work. The boss’ anger was combined with harsh condescending words. Stan was overwhelmed with a deep sense of shame and embarrassment instantly. The boss had reactivated his old emotional pain. The only difference was he was experiencing the childhood emotion in an adult body.
I have provided more information about historical emotions below. These may help you identify and understand these in your life.

1. This type of emotion can move you from extreme calm to frantic in a matter of seconds, even milliseconds. This is because you have experienced this emotion repeatedly to the point that it seems to bypass the will and conscience. When reactivated it responds immediately or faster.
2. When a historical emotion is experienced you are left with a perplexed sense. It leaves you saying, “Where did that come from?” or “What was that?” If you try to make sense out of the feeling from a present perspective you will only be frustrated because the key is to be found in the past.
3. If you are not sure if an emotion has history then ask this diagnostic question, “When and where have I felt like this before?” This will give you a vehicle to connect the present emotion to its historical antecedent.

If you discover strong, dark, historical emotions are common with you then it may be that you have significant past pain. Do not be afraid to seek help, even professional help if necessary. Once addressed you will find that you present relationships will take on a deeper significance and that peace will be easier to obtain internally.

Sinning On Purpose

I knew it was wrong! I knew it was not good for me! I knew it was not godly . . . but I did it anyway. Metaphorically I took the forbidden fruit and chowed down on it!

Why would a hardcore apprentice of Jesus (me) disobey his Teacher? Why would I turn away from the One who loves me . . . the One who is always there for me? Why do I turn my back on Him and do majorly stupid stuff? It feels like I choose mud pies over filet mignon. As if it’s not bad enough to screw up once I do it regularly!

Why I Sin?
1. It’s not hard to do. As a matter of fact sinning (self-trust) is natural. I find in myself a readiness to do things MY WAY. Somehow I have lived a life that has prepared me to sin. I can do it without thinking. For instance, when I pick up a pen to write I do not consciously have to tell each finger how to grip the pen. My hand knows what to do. So when I want to use a pen I don’t need to think about it . . . I just get the pen and write. That’s exactly how it is when I sin. It is such a part of me I don’t have to think about it.

2. I want to. Take for instance sexual lust. I see a woman on TV. I could turn away but I don’t want to . . . I want to look . . . I’m prepared to look. So I do. Somehow that first look opens the door to more lust. Before I know it I am possessed by the lust, unable to get it off my mind. It all starts because a part of me wants to see and use the woman.

3. I temporarily turn away from consequences. In the midst of considering the sin I go brain-dead. I disconnect from the part of me that knows that this ain’t good! I turn my back on me and God. At this point I have entered the sin-zone. I think of nothing but the object of my desire. I become one with it. Possessing it possesses me. Like a wild beast I see only the prey and am oblivious to the trap that has been set for me. Except in my case I participate in the trap-setting . . . somehow. I have episodic amnesia. I forget the consequences: guilt, shame, hurting myself, hurting others, etc.

4. I become unconscious, somehow to my heart and to God. I turn my attention away from the Beloved and go comatose.

What To Do With My Sin
1. DON’T deny it. You can ignore your sin but your sin won’t ignore you. Turning away only makes matters worst, trust me I know.

2. DON”T try to get yourself in better shape before you run to God. I had a habit of promising myself I would never do the sin again. Then I would have real long and intense quiet times then I would go to God about my sin. Something about doing well for a couple of days made me feel more worthy to approach my Father. Nothing makes me worthy to approach the throne of grace but the CROSS of my brother, Jesus. Nothing!

3. DO run quickly to our Father. Don’t wait . . . don’t hesitate . . . don’t be bogged down with guilt. Just sprint into the waiting arms of God. Think about this: what can you do about your sin? . . . absolutely NOTHING!!!! Our only option is to run to the Savior and agree that we have sinned—we have messed up.

4. DO accept His forgiveness. Of course I don’t deserve. Of course I am unworthy. Of course I am guilty. Jesus died fully aware of ALL those things. Tell yourself, “Jesus forgave me and I forgive myself!” It will take some practice but it is the way of God’s kingdom.

5. DO confess your sin to Satan. No, I’m not a heretic. No, I am not off my anti-depressants. Yes, I am onto something very powerful. You see, Satan likes to “accuse” me lots of stuff, especially my sins. Often I am overwhelmed with false, debilitating shame that can lead to more sin. So instead of getting beat to death with the shame I go to him after I have confessed to Jesus and say, “Listen, I just want you to know that I royally sinned a few minutes ago. I blew it. I turned my back on God and trusted myself. But I have gone to Jesus and told him of my sin and he has forgiven me. So you can take your shame and false guilt and hit the road. I am totally forgiven and completely accepted by my Beloved! It is finished!

I hope you find this helpful. The answer to sin is closeness to God. The two lists above will provide some needed help when you find yourself “Sinning On Purpose.”